My grandfather you are dear to me.......

A familiarity lost, A life moved on, A lingering pain, which speaks nothing but of some memories held with some joy and some with pain. Here I stand, witnessed a life depart to a land unknown to the dimension that I am in, making me question and feel again the pain of not known. His life story danced in the frame of my mind, a baby born, growing into a handsome man then into a married man....becoming the father of the man who made me what I am. 

The picture of my grandfather holding me against the wall, flashed in front of my eyes which brought some more moisture and I sensed the tears rolling down my chin. His love for every food I prepared, his acceptance for what ever I served, his appreciation for the pathetic of the teas I prepared, My grandfather you are dear to me. 

The wounded animals and birds you brought into our lives, showing us how to love and to heal, the nests and eggs and bones and horns you collected to show us, the chocolates and fruits you gave us, the biscuits you specially saved for pinky with love.....my grandfather you are dear to me. 

I wanted sometime alone with you, that is what I am doing now...just you and me and this pen to scribble my mind on this white sheet that lay in front of me....my grandfather you are dear to me.

They took the lens that once made you see, it breaks my heart to know that they will cut-through you, to know more about human anatomy but it also made me realize that the body was just the toy you played with, from within........My grandfather you are dear to me. 

Nothing can erase you out of my memories, you will always remain a part of me.... I will cycle your life ahead.... I still remember that you were called the prince once but you will always remain a dispassionate king for me.....your hunterwali is indeed growing into a warrior women, your little akka is now the akka of many, you dispassion with everything around is one lesson that I still need to learn...my grandfather you are dear to me. 

How can I sing?

How can I sing? When I am not in me....

How can I sing?When only thoughts fill me...

Thoughts drift me to my past and swing rite into my future
missing every moment that I am IN!

How can I sing? when I am not in me
 

Toggling between sleep and mind!

Oh yes, that was me who asked for it. More miseries. They have showed me the way when ever I am lost, They have given me the sense to see when i have lost my sight! That is not all about it, I am also scared. What if they all come together sometime when I am not prepared, not strong enough to bear! I wanted to get more strength my bearing more of them with a mindset I have now! No one knows how I might change. 

What can I say about Miseries! They made me see what I am, they made me realize how I am, they opened me for many options, they as well made me strong, they filled me with more gratification and infiltrated me with more wisdom ! I know they are painful but for me life will never be complete without them. I felt more closer to myself whenever miseries blossomed.

The same days came again with no directions and a lethargy in my mind. My  activities dwindled  away so did my interactions. I sensed the frustrations piling  up for unnameable reasons. I could sense the aggression in me grow and dragged to my fridge everytime! asked me to munch something for sometime! wasnt comfortable with anything that was going on, neither with sleeping, nor with teaching or with anything but also wanted something to keep going on. A confused violence was there which fought against every other thing sparing only a destructive mind. There was this void created within which vacuumed with in all remaining emotions. I carried a dull face yet a smile for the sake of convention. I sensed the life with in die away for no apparent reason and only lethargy prevailed. This wasnt the first time it happened and I am sure this will not be the last till I digest every aspect that life intends.

In-spite of all this the urge to write remained! So here are my words pouring through my fingers on to a flat screen that stares silently with its battery on!

Well the season to call miseries is back again. I just thought and it started to drizzle  down its way! What I call as misery, many might not even consider it so. Life is always fair with me, miseries I face are only those which I have created on my own. The pilled up frustration, uneasiness with everything, the envy within, the sense to dominate, aggression to prove myself, striving to create an identity, expectation of praises  all added up, hardened itself and ruled my mind.

hmmm...I heard a verdict 'go out and work in-spite of this lethargy...and lets hope everything will be fine', there also came another voice which asked me to stay with mind and experience what ever that happens! well I was so soaked in lethargy I preferred staying back with my mind!

I stayed back trying to look and to listen...before I could hear or see anything I sensed my lethargy has reached its destination...oh ya...lost in dreams and sometimes trying to comeback and sometimes struggling to stay awake but at last sound asleep. I was toggling between sleep and mind!

I am not sure why I am writing this and I really do not know how to end. I may make it look more complete but it will not simply end. One reason why I started to punch the keys on my keyboard was to spit out thing that are there on mind and now as I am done with a part of it, I can stay withdrawn.

Life, teach me what all I need to and this writing will only be complete when I have learnt to stay comfortable with my mind all the time.

Journey from soft heels to the cracked ones!!!!

Once upon a time there was this time that I wanted the softest of heels. Especially with the adds of Krack cream starting on Indian Television this idea of having soft heels hardened more or rather I think that was the initial trigger which made me dislike those cracked heels my mom had! Yes, I did maintain soft heels for quite a long time too..........Well here I am typing onto a laptop screen with tens of cracks on my heels and a million thoughts on my mind and I know that I could not have been happier than this!

Let me try to bridge up the gap with a story. This is the story about the journey I embarked which took me from softheels to the cracked ones.....and yet taught me to be content with it.

In a mournful state there sat a girl in her space that many people at her office termed as Cubicle. She also liked to use the same word but disliked that space. She used to roam from corner to corner, window to window, skybridge to skybridge with her laptop on hands still every place at that office suffocated.That space itself imposed a vibration that she disgracefully bared. No rain to feel, no sun to heal even when it poured on the roof of the floors that this lady graced. She missed every rainbow that shined outside. Artificially conditioned air even with a green certificate did not resonated with her innerself and soon she realized that is not how she wanted her life.

This was not a job she dreamed to take on, but she took it anyway as she wasn't sure what she should do next. Teaching she loved hence made sure that she had a certificate saying she has a masters in technology in that folder which held other few. Little did she know that she will be left with no clue after her masters as teaching adults interested her no more. Done with her masters she was as confused as ever yet happy with a job on hands as it made her feel secured. 

Now not being content with the way each day turned out she started to look out for many other ways a morning can turn up. She wanted some aliveness to flow into her otherwise 'successful' life. She felt her childhood mocked at her even her days at IIT did the same when ever she stepped into that lifeless workspace. She was in desire of nothing but for some aliveness to be added to every breath that she inhales.

Then one fine day thoughts flew out of her putting her views on education all over her blog. There started a journey that took her to a place with which she fell in love for its grace. She wasn't sure of her destiny nor of a purpose all she could decide was 'where next'?

A new life began with many new insights. Here she could teach, she could learn, she could dance, she could sing as well as play. There were frustrations, there was pain but the same life also made her to be able to glide through them with grace. Life felt like a dance with its own twists and turns, which she willfully staged.

Nothing here belonged to her, neither was that beautiful house she lived in nor the children she loved, not even the food that kept her alive and not even the furnitures she sat on! Yet she was grateful and in love with  everything that made her life so beautiful.

She sneaked out of her sneakers onto the bare soil which made her feel rooted. She liked the breeze and the rains that ran through her, pouring life. The laughter of the children and the love around made her dissolve to be one with them. Even though she missed few of her loved ones, she could not have desired for a life more alive. What made her feel connected to, at this place? The trees, the birds, the children,the starlit sky, the moonless nights, the schools, the rains, the soil, the sand, the breeze, the sweat, the food, the fruits, the people and the list continued.

She learnt to climb tree, to play a top, to bake the cashews, to share, to hop, to jump, to balance, to play in the mud, to dance, to write, to teach, to read, to sing, to act, to talk, to manage, to deal, to think, to be involved but thing that she cherished the most was that she was learning herself. She is still on this journey of knowing herself.

In this whole process there were many things that she lost as well, one among them was the softness of her heels about which 'once upon a time' she cared!!!!

About Me!!

Name: Prajna N S
Qualification: M.Tech from CSRE, IITB. (2006-2008)
                      Diploma in Theatre Arts, Neenasam, Heggodu (2013-14)
Work experience:* Software engineer at Cisco Systems India Pvt. Ltd (from 4th Aug 2008 to 15th June 2011)
                           * Actor with Neenasam Tirugata 2014-15

Currently working as an Administrator at DeenaBandhu,Chamarajanagar

About Me:

I am from Davangere. I did most of my schooling there itself and studied couple of
years in Shimoga, Hyderabad and Mumbai.

Why did I leave Cisco?

If I can answer this, I will be first of all clearing the very basic question in the
readers mind and in parallel I will be able to explain myself better. So let me start
with an attempt to answer this question itself.

I always wanted to be a teacher, so even when I joined for engineering, I knew
that I will be doing Mtech. But once I started pursuing my MTech, I slowly started
thinking about what I should teach? How I should teach? which made me realize,
that I don’t want to teach engineering students. My focus was on the primary
and high-school kids. So the very big question ‘what I should do with my life?’ still
remained.

Anyway, through campus selection, I got into Cisco. I thought let me work here,
and meanwhile I can always try to figure out how I should lead this life (till my
student days, the answer for the same question seemed quite easy), who knows I
may even like working for some Corporate itself.

So I joined Cisco. Days went by and even months. I started exploring different
opportunities at Cisco. Got involved with a school adopted by Cisco, as I love

kids. There I started seeing, what I want to do is somewhere here. Being with the
kids, learn from them and learn with them. Meanwhile in the process you may
even end up teaching them! Then I knew whom I want to teach! Yet the other
question, ‘what and how should I teach?’ remained.

The quest for what should be taught continued. Started exploring different
education models including, JK’s methodology and Summerhill school. I spoke
about all of this to my father. My father, took me to Chamarajnagar and made me
talk to Jayadev uncle. I liked the place and the talk with Prof.Jayadev very much.

I came back again. Spent almost a week here itself during my vacations. Came
and visited kids during few weekends. Liked the openness of Prof. Jayadev a lot,
developed tremendous respect for him, seeing all the work he has done and also
seeing the very personality he is. I am gratified that he offered me to work here,
after seeing my interest in this area. I knew I wanted to join some education
related NGO soon, so decided to join Deenabandhu. It was an opportunity, to
be in the place I liked, to learn from Prof. Jayadev which I cherish and more than
anything, to make life a complete process of self learning.

So here I am .

Apart from this, I like most of the things that life offers. I am getting trained in
Hindustani classical music, enjoy dancing, enthusiastic about Dramatics, love to
spend time alone amid nature, also love the company of the people, like to run,
cycle, trek, walk, swim and drive (if its not too much)!!

With best Regards

Cheers
Prajna N S

The me in me

Liberate me out of this pain called me..called me

I don't dare say its non-sense,
but it doesn't make any sense to me!!

Liberate me out of this pain called me..called me

Be here, oh my dear...
why you wander away from me....
away from me!!